Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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