i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
