When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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