i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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