I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize