So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
