My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize