And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize