He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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