My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
