Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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