please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
please don't ironically join a cult
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