I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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