it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
