Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
