i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
