I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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