You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
