non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
