you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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