What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
