My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
