I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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