I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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