I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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