Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize