i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
