I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
