Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
