Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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