Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
