also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Randomize
