what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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