Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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