Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
