I just threw up on my dentist
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i came on her dog
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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