Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
