I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
