i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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