Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
vagina is talking i cant
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
