I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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