tell your sister to shave her snatch
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
