I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
