She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
