I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
