just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Randomize
