omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
