Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
