i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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