end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
