Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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