exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
