ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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