The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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