It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
