guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
