i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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