we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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